You must be Chinese if

You don't have matching bedding.
You don't have matching dishes.
At least one person in your family owns or knows how to use a sewing machine.
You don't have matching hangers in your closet.
You have or have had a fish tank in your living room.
You're a Costco member.
You never really bought a calendar in your life; you always got the free ones with movies stars or nature scenes from grocery stores.
You've been to 99 Ranch Market at least once in your life.
You're amused when Americans think Chinese fast food is good.
You dilute your dishwasher soap with water when your running out so it'll last a little longer.
You don't really own Tupperware, you store food in bowls or pots covered in plastic wrap.
You feel awkward when someone asks you to leave your shoes on in their house.
If you have a dog, you feed it left over rice with some food instead of real dog food.
Someone in your family has a fixed up Honda/Acura.
You have something covering your kitchen table to keep it clean.
You kiss up to relatives when it comes close to new year.
You collect and recycle for the extra money.
You'll spend for name brand clothes but keep condiments from fast food places.
You have instant noodles in your house.
You can't go more that five days without rice.
You've had at least one hair cut from your mom or dad.
You don't really own a mop, you just use a old t-shirt instead.
You hate it when your parents boil Chinese herbs because it stinks.
You have lup cheung in your fridge.
You have owned the same vacuum cleaner longer than 5 years.
You only drink soup from Chinese spoons not Western spoons.
You work out so hard but still look like the average Asian.
You eat spaghetti at home with chopsticks
You have at least one relative who lives within an hour drive.
Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
Your dad is some sort of engineer.
Your parents have tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.
You ask your parents help on one math problem and two hours later they're still lecturing.
You have a 40lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
You shop 99 Ranch Market.
You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
You drive mostly Japanese cars.
You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say. . . "
You know what bok choy is.
You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you.(e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).
You have NO eyelashes.
Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc ...
Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers,octopii) was last night's dinner.
Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.
Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In China, we studied even more."
Your parents expect you'll be best friends with anyone off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both.
Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!" . Everyone thinks you're good at math.
Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's".
You like $1.75 movies.
You like $1.50 movies even more.
Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
Your parents insist you marry within your race.
You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.
You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.
Your parents have never kissed you.
Your parents have never kissed each other.
You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.
"You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.
You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."
You have 12+ aunts and uncles.
At expensive restaurants, you order a glass of water for your beverage a never order dessert.
Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
You are taller than your parents.
Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't .
When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.
Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.
The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
You own two rice cooker (one that works and the other you're father swears, for the past ten years, is repairable and should not be thrown away)
You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.
Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come.
Your parents ask your teachers to give you more homework.
Your friends swear they saw you on public television playing violin at a recital.
You'll forward this to all your Asian friends.
You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.
You've seen every Bruce Lee movie ever made.
You still have your old slide rule.
You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers
You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
Your parents still use a clothes line.
You have stuff in your freezer from since the beginning of time.
You reuse tea bags.
Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you're sick.
You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don't write anymore.
You never order chop suey or egg foo young.
You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook.
You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat.
You know what the term "FOB" and "ABC" means.
Your parent's lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas.
Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.
You were told you all look alike.
You never made the school football or basketball team.
Your grandmother smell like mothballs.
You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and bows.
You know how to pinch someone with your toes.
You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking.
You eat rice for breakfast.
Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu.
The main topic at family get-together's is food.
You have two middle initials instead of one.
You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style.
You laugh at Chung King commercials.
You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth.
You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table.
You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant.
You buy rice in 50 pound sacks.
Your living room sofas have covers on them.
Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium.
You have a piano in the living room.
You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions.
You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home.
You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed glasses.
You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives.
You either love or hate "mooncakes".
You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink when you were sick.
You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still attached.
You always drink tea after a meal.

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